So here's my second post of the day...
Anyway, sorry for the photobomb! Just couldn't help it hehe. Last one is a photo of me saying '2013' to you guys! Back to the topic. This post will probably be such a lengthy one. And a wordy one at that.
Come to think of it, i never fail to cry whenever i think back on the incident. K, i may be stupid, i may be a fool. People take advantage of me, fine. But not this way. As shocked as i was, i couldn't do anything much to save myself from embarrassment. I tried means and ways to get myself out of this god damn dark pit that i fell into unknowingly. I just hate this feeling. I still question myself everyday. Was it really my fault? Was i too dominating in the relationship? Idk. So many thoughts, completely overwhelming, i thought to myself. Did i land myself into this whole mess? Or did i had it coming? What exactly was it that happened. Insecurities & overthinking kills. I swear.
I get emotional every other night. I cry into my pillow, curl myself up like i was abused badly or something, and pull the covers over me. My hair in a mess, felt like i just had a bad hangover. I feel useless because i cannot bring myself to get over this incident and just pretend it never happened. It's just so hard. Each night, i told myself that tomorrow will be better, and just when the next day was really better, night came and everything goes back to square 1 again. This is such a fucking tiring process. Nobody will probably understand how i feel, not even when you put yourself in my shoes because it's just difficult like that. It's like those days when all you wanna do is shut yourself off from the entire world and just live in your own tiny little world where only you exist and no one else. No one can hurt you, attack you, scream at you, tell you off. NOBODY. And it's like, what the fuck why does this happen to me?? And then, at that instant moment, you have your whole mind in a whirlpool. It ever occurred to me that i should just run away and disappear. But i don't want to be accused of avoiding reality. I hate to face the music alone. But this time, i have to.
Having to even try to move myself out of the comfort zone is just so sickening and gross. The feeling is as such - it's like you're in bed, in a mental hospital, and you try very hard to get up but you can't because you are tied to the bed. That's exactly how i'm feeling right now. If i had a rock or a brick in hand, i will just throw it at my past. So disappointed with myself. Never thought i'd land myself in this state. Always thought i was strong, THOUGHT I WAS, but i'm not. I break down like how a broken recorder breaks down. I seem so happy in reality when in fact in my own world i'm dying inside. I don't know how to ask for help because of my fucking ego. Yeah so much for being all mighty, my whole world can just come crashing down anytime soon. And when it does, it's when i end everything i have. It's very difficult to keep up a smile the whole day. The only time when i show my true colours are probably when i'm alone in my bedroom, at night. Then the next morning, it's back to forcing a smile on this face of mine and pretending. I hate pretending. I never liked to do that. I've always wanted to be me.
Seems like a pretty long night for me. Doubt i'll sleep well. Nevertheless, am feeling so much better after blogging. Thank god for blogger, because idk how to explain everything to people anymore. :'(
This is just so torturing. Hell.